beauty in the breakdown

<<< le sigh >>>
i am trying
to breathe
deeper.
inhale
(pause)
exhale
consciously expand,
stretch
moments of serenity
betwixt
unrelenting
maelstrom of
circumstances, however
fleetingly volatile
are irrefutably corporeal
"there is no going around,
only through"

breathe in
the flow
breathe in
the ebb
breathe into
hushed resiliency.

vitality.

<<< breath >>> it reminds me, that without which, i would not be. so i move within the shadows seeking respite from the asphyxiating travails of this particular juncture in my life. i am trying not to take it personally; just because it is uncomfortable and difficult doesn't mean i am not right where i am meant to be; doesn't mean i am off course. so i <<< b r e a t h e >>> because sometimes it is the only thing i CAN do.

i am being distilled down to my purest essence. life is breaking me past my fathomable limits; testing my mettle, my motivation, my morale. i am being asked, "how supple? how pliant? how malleable are you really?"

since my birth it has been my challenge to endure the dark and push into the light. is this not what we are ALL asked to do? yet few rise to the summons of Light being.
many never grasp that it is the dark that defines the light, but that NONE of it has to define you; that that is for You to Chose.

i am not my house; i can only be home in myself.
i am not my job; my work here is eternally more profound.
i am not my emotions; although to deny their full expression without exaggeration has proven detrimental to my health and well-being.
i am not my ego; that chatter-brain always leads my astray.

i am not my trials and tribulations. they may delineate my path from others, highlight my singular expression of God; but i am more than the sum of my experiences. yet these intense rapids have allowed me to circumscribe my story into one where i can finally, proudly, claim my quintessence.

and furthermore to embody it.

"i am here! i am here! i am here!" cries the Who from the dust speck.

and my voice, trembling with courage, resonates out towards the giant ear of the Infinite Unknown,
"I am not required to know Your Purpose in order to Chose Mine."


Let Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3Cg1wxgX6M

sick, yet STILL sexy and smart

my kids have been sick, my lover has been sick, i work around sick people and since the onset of swine season i've managed to stay well - up until this morning.

it's really quite attractive - nasal drip, coughing, bags under the eyes, soaking wet hankies in my pockets. just the kind of first impression you hope to make when meeting your boyfriend's ex-wife/daughter's mother for the first time.

hahaha. add one more punchline to the Cosmic Joke.

it's alright - i get it. my morning Tarot reading said it all: Radiance Simplified. The Sun over Dullness. for whatever reason i needed to be a little - well - less BRIGHT. i know there's that saying about not dulling your light to make people feel better (hell, it's been on my fridge for over a year)- but that was kind of what naturally happened tonight.

i wanted to be all that i could be - and i was - only more humbled. cause it really is easy to shine when you're tiptop in shape, have all your shit together, your car running, your house paid for and everything's coming up orchids in the City of Roses - it's a gargantuan feat to have all that stripped away and STILL walk in with a heart full of compassion, an ear for the underlying worries and fears, and the sheer capacity to hold space for something miraculous to happen.

as dull as this sexy/smart mama is right now - she's bright enough to eat the manna when it falls into her lap and overflows to the floor. which is another way of saying it went swimmingly well considering this woman has absolutely NO reason to tolerate me much less like me. she actually hugged me - on both sides (which if you know me, you know it is the only way i hug). we shared mothering stories and made gentle inquiries and talked expectations/boundaries - nothing too threatening as to be in depth - but mind you, we were only committed to having Oolong and appetizers, not a full four course dinner. and i didn't have to read our tea leaves to understand how much torture it could have been. i've had to have several conversations with my lover's significant others over the years - and this one wasn't quite the PTA cakewalk - but i never got the sense she was going to lunge at me over the table either.

after she left and i breathed out the anticipation, i gave myself the slippery hope that this blending of families fancy i'm Pollyannaishly maintaining just might eventually work out. . .(and wish upon that star while i'm at it).

stepping onto the bus to drag my weary ass home, i chatted up another mom with a tiny babe in sling who was giving me the leery eye that Mom says translates into, "who the fuck are you? and of what significance are you to me?" to which i reply, "baby, we'll just have to see how that works itself out." cause whether or not i'll impact this child's life or my beau's child's life is still to be determined - tonight was just about getting through the momma portcullis with all of my digits still intact and my light bulb still on - even if it was a little dim.